i just want to be okay

I will never be the same again.  I'm physically here, but my spirit, mind, heart, all with in me I feel as if it is gone.  I am wrecked.  I feel as if I wasted the last 5 years of my life investing in someone that did nothing but completely fail me.  I sit here and read my stories of last blog posts dreaming up a life, a future, a story, with someone that promised to stay by my side, be my protector, be my best friend, be my life partner.  someone that promised to love me in sickness and in health. Turned out to be the person that walked out.  The person that killed my soul, the person that made me physically sick.   How is that the same person?  My mind floods with questions.  My mind tries to find some kind of reason, some kind of point in all of this.  Some kind of answer. But i can't.  It's only confusion.

 

A loving God let me marry.  A loving God let my husband walk out on me.  A loving God  just couldn't seem to answer my prayers.  My family's prayers.  My friend's prayers.  A loving God couldn't change Ryan's heart.  This loving God watched me cry, watched me weep, watched me beg, watched me hurt.  Watched my tears poor out.  Daily and nightly and never stop.  This God I had my trust in.  This God I had my hope in.  This God's supposed to love me more than my earthly father.  This God did not bring Ryan back.  The same God that did not answer my prayers.  My pleading.  My pain.  The same God that seemed to have done nothing. 

 This is the same God I will not turn from and I will continue to love.  Love unconditionally.  The only one I have faith in.  This God will restore my soul, my mind, my heart.  This God I LOVE.  THIS GOD will NEVER fail me. 

So Do I Fear Death?

 ...I didn't think I did.  But I also didn't think I was ever going to wake up at night by the sound of angels singing either.  

okay, so I thought it was angels voices singing.  

The other night, we had a family dinner over at my folks house with my brother and emily, and began to talk about people when they are on their death bed, and how sometimes they hear angels singing to them.  Its kind of cool, that happens; like God has his troops welcome you into the new life...eternal life.  Well, apparently, I was somewhat affected by it, because in the middle of the night, I heard angel voices.  I coud'nt figure it out.  It was the middle of the night, so it wasn't music playing- was it just me hearing it?  ANGELS?  Was it my time?  My heart began to race... pound, in fact!  

I then, began to hear the horns....this could'nt be happening!  I didn't know if I was going crazy...  Maybe I was about to die.  Go up into heaven.  My heart felt as if it was going to leap out of my chest it was pounding so hard.  Well, after I sort of 'came to', I finally realized that sound was Ryan.  He wasn't snoring, he was kind of wheezing.  Those were not angels singing, it's Ryans nose, and the horns I swore I heard was in fact, Ryan snoring... Oh Gosh.

This is weird, I know,  But it happened to me in the middle of the night.   I guess you could say this was my near death experience.  It was nuts.  

Hopes and Dreams?

You know when you're a kid and you have hopes and dreams, and then suddenly you realize you're 26 with no idea how all those hopes and dreams suddenly slipped right out from under you?   You find that all of a sudden you're making minimum wage at a crazy cafe all the while kids 8 years younger than you are coming in ordering a sandwich and a foamy latte from you saying "put it on my company's tab".  You realize all those hopes and dreams are fully unreachable now?  What went wrong...how did I let THIS happen....Why am I making $8.00 a lousy hour to have THIS lady behind me, breathing down my neck?!

Well, at one point in time I did have a dream.  That dream was to become a neurosurgeon....(brain surgeon).   Yes, they laughed at Abe Lincoln too, so I was used to the poking fun at my dream.  But what if I would have been a good brain surgeon?  As I laid awake last night, drifting off to sleep, I couldn't help but wonder, had I followed my dream would I have been Tim's surgeon?  What pressure I would have been under.  

My mind flooded with the pressure I would have been under had I been a neurosurgeon, and if I would have done a good job?  Would I be more stressed out performing while knowing the patient?  I found myself in a deep sweat, but then I came to, and felt a little relieved that I am NOT one.  

I gave a big sigh of relief, prayed for Tim and fell asleep. 

... I also thanked God for Cabrillo. 

...and beauty school.

She Made The Naughty List

Work had made me a liar.  

Oh yes, a bold faced liar, only because of a simple question that was asked by most every customer that came into my little cafe.  Daily, the common customer says, "How are you today?"  My mind floods with everything I really want to tell them.  It's prison!  I'm not good, she's like the predator and I'm her prey!!!  Fearing she may be lurking, glaring at me, breathing right down my neck, I force out-  "I'm good."...  I lied.  

I lied for that customer, I lied for the next, and I kept lying every minute I was in that forsaken cafe.  My soul became dead inside.  My boss is a wench.  

My coworkers and I couldn't wait to vent about how horrible this lady was!  Lets just call her Banshee (Banshee means screaming spirit).  Well, Banshee got great pleasure out of making everyones lives around her, miserable.  She would mock us in front of customers and yell at us in front of customers.  Nothing was ever done right to her, she was mean, mean, mean.  I came into work my 8:30 shift...arriving at 8:29-  "This is the last time you're late!!" ,Banshee said.  I hold up my cell phone and it's now 8:30- whahhuuuhhh??? "I'm on time",  "You need to have your apron on and in the front by 8:30, not HERE at 8:30!!".  

It wasn't healthy for me to work.  I found myself and co-workers plotting up things we could do to her.  Most days, she has us make her a coffee drink; no one ever wants to be her subject that has to do it, having to take the scrutiny of her wrath when she finds something wrong with it.  We thought about sneaking a couple valium in her drink, but came to the realization that if something went wrong, it would'nt be pretty- law wise.  BUT, still pondered on it, after weighing out the consequences; it may be worth it- crazy right?  But you don't know Banshee like we do!

Today Banshee repramanded me for a quick drink of water...No Time For That- WORK!

Yes, crazy.. Banshee was really losing it.  We thought of having her checked into a psych ward, but apparently, you can't just put someone in there;  she has to go willingly.  We are not aloud to talk to one another, we need to be cleaning at all times...we came up with a code word, if someone saw her coming..APPLES.  That means Banshee was charging out from her cave DISPERSE now, or take a screaming consequence.  I began to worry about getting physically abused on top of all the emotional and verbal abuse that was going on daily.

I began to hate Banshee, completely despising her.  She was now, not only haunting me while at work, but I kept mistaking other people for her at places like the gym, checking the waves, etc..  I was living in FEAR.  I don't look directly at her, and I don't talk to her.  I am still scared when I think about her, but I made the first step- get out of there (quit), and when I did tell her I was quitting, all that she did was make a snarling 'aaarugggrrrr' noise- I was a little awestruck by it to tell you the truth.  Anyways, second step may be counseling.  It may take years.  

I am now fully prepared to have nightmares nightly for the next few months.  It will be a process, I'm sure.  

The Carrot Seed

And yet, another one of my curriculum class creations.  This is a felt story to use in the classroom.  I cut everything out of felt and the story is told on a felt board for the kids to see and be able to touch.  This story is about a little boy that persistently watered a little carrot seed until it grew into an amazingly huge carrot.  No one had faith in the carrot, but the little boy knew that if he kept watering every day, soon, he would get his huge carrot...and he did!

Like I said before, I'm going to miss this class; only one more week.  

(click photo to enlarge)

Crest Ranch

This Sunday, Ryan and I went with his mom, dad and sister up to Crest Ranch to get our Christmas tree.  This is a Grable tradition, and the last couple of Christmas's we weren't able to go, so this was much needed and very fun to be able to experience for the first time.  We searched high and low, and walked and walked, to finally find two perfect trees; one for our house, and one for Ry's parents.  Taking pictures along the way and Guy posing by every tree he thought was a possible candidate- it was too fun!  It really felt like a great way to bring in the Christmas holiday.

curriculum class

My curriculum lab class is pretty cool... so far we have made some fun things to use in the classroom.  My favorite was a wood caterpillar puzzle I made; this is what I made today.

(it's a puppet dragon)